My best friend and I both share a distaste for a certain thin, blonde, cat-faced, country singer. Before, our distaste was on a certain Kate Bosworth (we called her an alien, not only because we both had a short-lived crush, which faded over the years, on Orlando Bloom, but also because her skin color and hair color were practically the same color), but now that she’s over and done with (I mean really, what has she done since Superman Returns to gain her any notoriety?) our distaste has moved to, if you couldn’t already tell, Taylor Swift.
My best friend’s brother and I have agreed that from here on out, or at least since she won Grammy for album of the year, we will be referring to her as Cat-Face. But if you don’t believe me and need further proof that this is a fitting name, look at the picture to the left. This is, if you’re not a T-Swift fan, from her music video “You Belong With Me,” wherein she portrays the loser girl type, who wears glasses, which makes her ugly. But somehow taking them off makes her pretty, and she ends up winning the boy next door from the bitchy cheerleader type. That is Taylor as the bitchy cheerleader type, which I think only accentuates her Cat-Face. And the dark hair really does nothing to add to her stunning looks. I must say, I much rather prefer her as a blonde. She looks less catty as a blonde, it’s much more believable that she’s the innocent type when she’s blonde.
Compare that photo to this one on the right. I think the resemblance is uncanny. But of course, by now you’ve written me off as someone who’s bitter, and jealous of Cat-Face’s success so I resort to calling the talented woman names (like Cat-Face). Sure, you can believe that, I mean this is America, we don’t punish people for believing what they like. And I certainly won’t judge you, save for your music taste – I mean you can’t deny that there isn’t much to read in to her lyrics. I mean, they aren’t particularly profound. And I can’t say they are Grammy-caliber. Though, someone on the board must have been a closet T-Swizzle fan, you know they would try to find any reason to be alone so they could put on “Love Story” or “You Belong with Me.” They were the ones who would sneak it onto the party playlist and then shout loudly, “Ewww! Who put Taylor Swift on?“
But I digress. If you’re looking for further proof why I have such a distaste for Cat-Face, look no further than her music. One of her most popular singles was her song “Love Story” in which she told the basic premise of Romeo and Juliet, the classic William Shakespeare play about lust and tragedy that comes from falling in it too fast. But of course, Taylor can’t stand an unhappy ending so she changes it up so that the girl and guy can be together in the end, and their family approves (of course). She follows that up with “You Belong With Me” where the loser girl type can get the guy. Shoving that in the face of the bitchy cheerleader type. Up until her new single “Speak Now” came out, she was all about the “any girl can get the guy, just keep trying he likes you!”
“Speak Now” is in a different direction than the two aforementioned singles. Let’s let the lyrics do the talking, shall we:
I am not the kind of girl
Who should be rudely barging in on a white veil occasion
But you are not the kind of boy
Who should be marrying the wrong girl
So right from the get go, Taylor needs to clarify that she doesn’t normally interrupt other girls’ weddings. But you know, she just had to interrupt this one because the groom-t0-be, god forbid, was marrying the wrong girl. She somehow fancies herself as the guy’s guardian angel, she’s just trying to save him from an unhappy marriage.
I sneak in and see your friends, and her snotty little family
All dressed in pastel
And she is yelling at a bridesmaid, somewhere back inside a room
Wearing a gown shaped like a pastry
So automatically, if you’re wearing pastel, or you’re shaped like a pastry in your clothes, sorry, you’re a bitch. And you know, thank god the bride-to-be is a bitch, otherwise you’d be such a terrible person for interrupting their wedding. But if she’s a bitch, you know, all the more power to you, interrupt away!
Don’t say yes, run away now
I’ll meet you when you’re out of the church at the backdoor
Don’t wait or say a single vow
You need to hear me out and they said speak now
I don’t even have a sarcastic remark about this one. She’s a commanding little thing, isn’t she? I mean, she’s not even asking at this point, she’s just telling him what he should do. How did she even get into the wedding in the first place? I mean, she doesn’t seem too fond of the bride-to-be, I’m sure the feeling is mutual.
Fun gestures are exchanged
And the organ starts to play a song that sounds like a death march
And I am hiding in the curtains
It seems that I was uninvited by your lovely bride-to-be
Ah, there it is. Isn’t this kind of another Shakespeare reference? Wasn’t Polonius hiding in the curtains? Oh, he was stabbed by Hamlet. Oh, that’s right. Apparently, Taylor is also familiar with death marches, because she knows the music that goes along with it.
This is another digression, but a wise television show once taught me that ex’s should in no way be invited to the wedding. Ever. Though, I guess Taylor wasn’t really invited and invited herself, so…Make sure all the ex’s are either out of the country, dead, or have no means of finding out when the wedding is. Just fair warning. (This was a How I Met Your Mother reference, and please, if you were still taking me seriously up until this point, don’t).
She floats down the aisle like a pageant queen
But I know you wish it was me, you wish it was me
Apparently at this point, Taylor is so delusional she thinks she’s a mind-reader. Or the delusions somehow gave her telepathic powers. I don’t think she deals with rejection too well.
And you say lets run away now
I’ll meet when I’m out of my tux at the backdoor
Baby I didn’t say my vows, so glad you were around
When they said ‘Speak now’
And then she pulls a classic, if you doubted that she was a mind-reader before in the song, she gives you his point of view! Well, now that we know that he doesn’t want to get married to that bitch either, that’s okay! I hope they have a happy life together!
Okay, enough. I feel the urge, I can’t hold it in, I need to speak. Taylor, I’m sorry you look like a cat, but you can’t go around making everyone else miserable. Let the guy get the married, clearly he sees something in this woman even though she “yells at bridesmaids” and looks like a pastry in her dress. And who are you to know what he wants (let’s just ignore that she gives us his point of view at the end of the song), maybe he’s a jerk? Maybe they’ll have bitchy little babies and the world will be happy? Weddings are happy occasions. And you sneaking into the wedding and interrupting it, only disturbs the happiness. The “speak now or forever hold your peace” is symbolic of the fact that once they’re married, their bond can’t be broken (except through divorce). And before marriage lost all meaning, it used to hold all sorts of meaning, that whoever you were marrying was the one and only one for you. But then that part got abused, by women like you who lost their chance with great men, so they go and interrupt weddings at that specific part. So, if I don’t get happiness at the end of my wedding, you know just in case that happens, it will be all Cat-Face’s fault. Just sayin’.
Kidding, really. But what if that did happen to you? I can’t imagine what the bride-to-be would feel like. I’d obviously never want to see the other person ever again. Or the person my fiance ran away with. And I’d be embarrassed because of all the people who would have turned out, and all the money that went into the wedding. It’s actually quite selfish to interrupt a wedding. For shame, Taylor Swift. For shame.
Anyway, this turned into more bashing than I would like. I shall from now on be referring to her by one name and one name only: Cat-Face.