It’s the big moment. I told myself that I had to make a decision tonight, and yesterday I was leaning towards going. And now I’m not.
I can’t help but feel like I’ve made a huge mistake. I’ve missed out on getting $2,500/month excluding taxes, rent and whatnot but even still. It’s a job. I may not have been acting like I was excited to go, but I was. And now I’m not and I can’t stop the tears from falling from my eyes. It’s back to the job search again essentially, even though I already have a job. I just wish that the stupid earthquake just hadn’t messed up my plans. And getting all upset by a natural disaster is nothing I can control, and irrational and unfair to all those who have been affected by the aftermath, yes I know. It’s just, I had accepted that I was moving on Monday. Now I’m not. And I can’t help but feel like I’m shooting myself in the foot.
Yes, this means I get to see people more, but it also means that I’m so fucking poor it’s not funny. I have student loans I have to pay back, I have no job…I’m feeling like I’m back at how I was feeling when I first started looking for a job back in June, I have to go through the whole wait and find out what your location is song and dance bullshit all over again. I have to get a new visa. I have to get a new international drivers permit. And I have to give up a location that I was starting to think couldn’t have been more perfect.
Yesterday I was saying I was tempted to stay, and now that I’ve said I want to stay I want to go. I hate feeling like this, but it was a job. I have London I need to finance for. Me staying isn’t fun and games now, it’s serious business. I need a job, and I can’t be playing around like I was planning on doing the weekend before going to Japan – now it’s a how the fuck can I afford all the shit that I planned to do trip up to Bellingham. I was going to meet people for lunch, dinner, go to the bars…Now all I see are dollar signs, things I can’t afford.
And then I think about applying for jobs again and it’s where the hell am I going to find a couple references again shit. My references are shit, and after all the hassle it took applying for Interac I don’t see how any company is going to want me.
Wow, Downer Kiana. Way to be a negative Nancy. My life is so horrible, wah wah wah. Now it just seems like I’m being a whiny bitch, and if I can pull out getting a job at Interac, there has to be something I can do to get a job for goodness sake. It’s just almost immediately after my parents and I reached a decision they started pestering me about getting a job, again. I feel miserable right now. I just hope something works out, so far my fortune from Wednesday has been wrong:
The next few days will be lucky. Take a chance.
Maybe I should have followed the advice and decided to go to Japan. Only time will tell. And I hope I made the right choice like everyone else seems to think I have. Somehow, I just don’t feel like it.