Glass case of emotion

It’s the big moment.  I told myself that I had to make a decision tonight, and yesterday I was leaning towards going.  And now I’m not.

I can’t help but feel like I’ve made a huge mistake.  I’ve missed out on getting $2,500/month excluding taxes, rent and whatnot but even still.  It’s a job.  I may not have been acting like I was excited to go, but I was.  And now I’m not and I can’t stop the tears from falling from my eyes.  It’s back to the job search again essentially, even though I already have a job.  I just wish that the stupid earthquake just hadn’t messed up my plans.  And getting all upset by a natural disaster is nothing I can control, and irrational and unfair to all those who have been affected by the aftermath, yes I know.  It’s just, I had accepted that I was moving on Monday.  Now I’m not.  And I can’t help but feel like I’m shooting myself in the foot.

Yes, this means I get to see people more, but it also means that I’m so fucking poor it’s not funny.  I have student loans I have to pay back, I have no job…I’m feeling like I’m back at how I was feeling when I first started looking for a job back in June, I have to go through the whole wait and find out what your location is song and dance bullshit all over again.  I have to get a new visa.  I have to get a new international drivers permit.  And I have to give up a location that I was starting to think couldn’t have been more perfect.

Yesterday I was saying I was tempted to stay, and now that I’ve said I want to stay I want to go.  I hate feeling like this, but it was a job.  I have London I need to finance for.  Me staying isn’t fun and games now, it’s serious business.  I need a job, and I can’t be playing around like I was planning on doing the weekend before going to Japan – now it’s a how the fuck can I afford all the shit that I planned to do trip up to Bellingham.  I was going to meet people for lunch, dinner, go to the bars…Now all I see are dollar signs, things I can’t afford.

And then I think about applying for jobs again and it’s  where the hell am I going to find a couple references again shit.  My references are shit, and after all the hassle it took applying for Interac I don’t see how any company is going to want me.

Wow, Downer Kiana.  Way to be a negative Nancy.  My life is so horrible, wah wah wah.  Now it just seems like I’m being a whiny bitch, and if I can pull out getting a job at Interac, there has to be something I can do to get a job for goodness sake.  It’s just almost immediately after my parents and I reached a decision they started pestering me about getting a job, again. I feel miserable right now.  I just hope something works out, so far my fortune from Wednesday has been wrong:

The next few days will be lucky.  Take a chance.

Maybe I should have followed the advice and decided to go to Japan.  Only time will tell.  And I hope I made the right choice like everyone else seems to think I have.  Somehow, I just don’t feel like it.

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