stuck.

I feel like I’m in one of those movies where the main character is stuck in that typical rut, or “not living up to their potential” so to speak, and then meets someone who helps the main character realize what they’re meant to do in life, so to speak.

It’s like I’m at the beginning of that movie, I have no idea what the hell I’m going to do with the rest of my life.  No real direction.  It’s really always been that way – it’s like nothing really interests me when it comes to working.  And I don’t want to be those people who hates their job, but does it anyway.  For so long I’ve wanted something to click – for me to finally realize what I’m supposed to do, but it hasn’t happened and it probably won’t ever happen.  It’s like all those people who say all they want in life is to be happy, and they can’t see that what they have already should be something they should be happy about.  Appreciate what you have, people, stop looking for that one perfect thing because you won’t ever find it.  It doesn’t exist.  There’s no such thing as perfect, unless you’re talking about school.

In most of my posts when I write about being down, I always end that I’ll feel better soon, that I’ll get over it.  I know that I’m my own worst enemy.  Nobody is crueler to me than myself.  This time I’m not going to end this way, I’ll feel better when I want to feel better – and I probably won’t feel better for a long time until long after I’ve gotten used to living in Japan again.  I’m bummed, I’m pissed, and I can’t say I’m happy with my future employer.  As if I needed any more reason to not want to go to Japan (but am going anyway because I need to shake things up in my life, and I need a job).  Yeah those aren’t the best motivations to go, but whatever.

I hate this feeling that I need to do this because I need to use my degree.  And I only got my degree because I felt like I should.  And I only started studying Japanese because I wanted to be a Japanese person who actually spoke my own language.  It’s like, everything I’ve done hasn’t been because I’ve actually enjoyed it, but because I felt like I had to.  This pride shit, and my need to see things through all the way, really has fucked me over.  If I had really given though to what I wanted to study, I would have down physical therapy, or something having to do with sports.

Anyway, whatever happens happens.

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