Isn’t that how I’m supposed to be feeling? I mean, I AM young. It seems like those around my age, or older than me working the same job as I am are pretty wild – and freely spending their money to provide for their boozed up lifestyle. And I mean, I definitely am free in a sense. I’m living by myself, providing for myself and only myself for once in my life, not living off of anyone else. I should be soaking this up! But I feel like anything but. I feel like I should be living it up, but to be honest, and I mean by now I sound like a repeating record but if booze were to be free or if I could freely afford to party as hard as they show on TV I so would do so. But as it is, I would rather not spend 50 dollars on average every night to get completely boozed up. The Japanese lifestyle is expensive as it is without throwing alcohol in the mix.
I can’t tell you when I started despising all the people I know in Hamamatsu. A part of it stems from jealousy too. I couldn’t tell you exactly what I am jealous of, maybe of being liked more than me? But that isn’t really it, because the people who like them are boozers and the only reason I don’t know as many people is because I can’t afford to be boozing it up every weekend. It’s mostly because I feel left out, the remaining group of people I trained with consistently hang out all the time and always fail to ask if I want to join.
Assuming I can’t make it isn’t the appropriate response. That just means that you’re an asshole, and not ballsy enough to just come out and say that you don’t want to hang out with me. That you thought about it, assumed I would say no, accepted that and then moved on. If I’m going to get down to how I feel out here right now, I would say that this month has been the best – despite missing those who have moved on and aren’t in Hamamatsu. I’ve spent most of the month by myself, cooking for myself, and I’ve really enjoyed it. The past few months where I’ve actually had money, I felt the need to go downtown every weekend and do bullshit. And I felt miserable. For once, I’d like people to come out here and hang. For once, I’d like to hang out at someone’s place and not feel the need to go out unless we really truly want to. I miss the nights where my friends and I would cook dinner together and drink while either catching up or watching a movie.